| Wednesday, July 26, 2006 |
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Happy Birthday Dawn Marie!
It has been 1 year 6 months and roughly 28 days (factoring in days of the month and all) since anyone has seen you last. This is a day of celebration and mourn.
I remember distinctly the last birthday presents I gave you…I had given you a Mead 5* 5 Subject notebook with some nice pens, then I added in the girlie stuff; body washes and smell good stuff. Your reaction was not what I had expected. I thought it was a little cheesy to be giving you these things, and we didn’t have the money to buy you the things I really wanted you to have. But to my surprise, you LOVED them! You told me that the notebook and pens were exactly what you needed but couldn’t find the time to get them yourself.
You are an amazing woman to me. Full time job, mom, and student, yet you still found the time for family and a social life. When I was 14 or 15 you came home with this beautiful crystal angel I think it was on a small rounded platform. I asked who it was from or who it was for. You told me of a customer whom had given that to you for always being there when they needed you and your pharmaceutical expertise. We always knew you had a way with people. You could get anyone into church, and even though you always told me *you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink it*. Yet, somehow, you got the damn horse there and re-hydrated him!
Some will never understand what happened on that morning, but I do. I know a lot more than most of the while family does and I shall keep the secret. Kearstin wants me to spill the beans but I am not. She is not ready for that. One day after praying over it and hoping you will miraculously appear to me or speak to me, I will know when to divulge some or all of that said information. I promised you at the grave or shortly there after that I would look after her and Daddy and I am. She is a tough one. She is beginning to remind us all a little too much of you at times! LOL
The days grow long at times and I still hurt immensely over you. But the days have become a bit more manageable. I guess after a certain amount of time that will happen. Please look down on Kearstin and help her find her own *Path*. I am afraid she is becoming a follower, at least some of the times. She has her own followers, but why can’t she lead more rather than less?
You should see your Grandbabies! I really wish you had more time to bond with Alicia. I know after her birth things were so out of hand. But you and Daddy didn’t understand what I was going through at that time, and I do not believe anyone outside of Josh, my Mom, and myself ever will. Shoot! Even Mom didn’t get it at all times until she would come to see me. But that was/is how she handles my sicknesses… She acts PISSED OFF.
Over the past 7-8 months or so I really needed you here with me. I have been through a lot with the kids and Josh, oh and don’t forget my tumor infestation! Yeah, I talk to my Mom a lot, but it’s not the same without you here. I can’t drop by and see you or go to the mall to have some coffee and talk about life. That is what I need and miss. You, just plain old you.
For now I must go. But please have a Happy 36th Birthday up in Heaven. I am sure they have the most perfect of cakes :-)
Love You Always and Forever...
~ Melissa Brooke ~
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posted by ~M~ @ 7/26/2006 01:46:00 AM  |
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| Wednesday, January 04, 2006 |
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Hello,
This is a new Blog of mine. Well, it’s more of an online memorial for one of the most inspiring and talented young woman I have ever had the honor of knowing. Dawn Marie was only 34 when she *passed*. Dawn is my step-mom. The term step-mom doesn’t sit well in my stomach when referring to Dawn. She was my friend, my inspiration, and everyone’s rock. Her strength and beauty left a lasting impression on the life of anyone blessed to enough to have met her. Or even just spent 5 short minutes involved in a conversation, knowing you would most likely never see her again. Dawn had the ability to come into your life and show you a brighter side to any hardship you may have been dealing with.
The day I met her for the first time she was only 23 and I was 12. She was so pretty and had the voice of an Angel. When my Dad married her, I was glad, but soon after I was sent to live with them and I didn’t like her at first. I had the whole *you’re not my Mommy* thing going on. She and I said and did a lot of things to really piss each other off, and there were many nights we went to bed mad at each other or in tears. We both wanted the same thing. A friendship with the other, and the respect we so desperately yearned for. It wasn’t long before we accomplished that goal. We became very close and could talk to each other about virtually anything. The one thing that has left the biggest scar is our singing.
Dawn loved to sing, just like me! She had a mesmerizing voice and even when she didn’t know all the words to the songs she sang, her misspoken vocals still sounded great. She and I used to turn on the radio or play a CD and just sing at the top of our lungs for hours on end. That is one of the things I miss most about Dawn. When she died, everyone got a chance to go through all of her belongings and take what they wanted. When they realized I got forgotten about, the family asked me what I wanted. The only thing I could even think of was her CD collection. I demanded first dibs. I picked through the CD’s and took the ones that meant the most to me. Now when I miss her, I put one of those cd’s in and sing along. I can almost hear her again. I can feel her standing with me telling me to sing from my gut.
When someone close to you dies, you need to remember the good times and the fun had. If you dwell on the pain and you do not allow yourself to progress through the grieving stages, you will forever hurt, and the wound will stay as fresh as it was the moment you found out about the death. As I am writing this, all the pain floods back to me. I feel my breath escape me and my words are lost. Remembering that day is one of the hardest things I ever do. I know I cannot forget about it and pretend it never happened. I know that every time I remember that day, the pain will be there, it will feel as fresh as it did on Friday; January 18, 2005. As time passes, the pain will weaken, the memory will not be as harsh. As for now, it is way too soon for that to happen. This page is my way of trying to deal with it. As Dawn would say *Build a bridge and get over it already*, I am not ready for that, nor do I think I ever will be. But I am trying to accomplish something similar.
I am building a Boardwalk of memories which hovers close to the ocean of pain I am feeling. As I take one step at a time, I look to the left and to the right. When I look, I see Dawn and a memory of her still fresh in my mind’s eye. I do not know how long this Boardwalk will be, and I may not get to the end of it. But I do know it is the closest thing to the bridge I have. Sure, a plank or 2 will give out and I will fall back into the ocean of pain below. But I will climb back out, slowly mend the brake, wipe my tears and take a few more baby steps. I hope you will all one day be able to begin construction of your own *Boardwalk*……
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| posted by ~M~ @ 1/04/2006 11:46:00 AM |
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Dear Dawn
It's been almost a year now and the pain is still there. Time, that's all I have to go on for this. Over the past year of so I have seen and heard more than I needed to. My days have become easier to handle, but my scares are fresh and will take an immense amount of time to heal. I think of you often Dawn, and I know you can see it.
I know you are looking down on us all and watching over us. But this will take time. I had been doing fairly well for a while until a few weeks ago. Christmas. Your mom and lil bro came over to see me and the kids. It seems that they are the only 2 that seem to care enough to stay in contact with us. Us being My family. Josh and the kids.
Christopher is doing well. He looks good and seems to be handling it very well. I know we all have our days. The pain. The anger, it all eats away at our subconscious from time to time. Yet, I have seen a lot of you in me these days. And when it comes to lil Kearstin, I am trying to balance the you, dad, and me thing. Keeping her in check is a full time job these days.
We were in the car the other day...Me Josh and the kids, and got stuck at the red light at your apartment complex. I couldn't wait for that damn light to change. It seemed to take forever. So far that is the only thing that causes any kind of panic or emotional damage right now. I still get angry and I have still wanted to pick up the phone and call several time. But the reality sets in and then comes the temporary depression. But this too shall pass.
I know it will all take time and it is not expected to just go away. When I lost Sebastian, it took an immense amount of time. To this day I think of him. Yet, I have come to the realization, that dwelling on his death does no good. I have my babies and they will one day know of the Brother they almost had. But when I sit back and think about it all. They may not be here if it weren't' for him. SO in a sick twisted sort of way, I thank him. I pray for him and know he is in a better place. If I had given birth to him, I would not have been able to give him the life he deserved. He is in a better place.
I can honestly say I 100% am able to relate to what you went through. Why you felt that what you did was (at that time) necessary. But we all miss you deeply. We all wish you would have given it a little more time and taken yourself from the situation rather than your life.
I don't know if you ever realized how much you meant to me. When NaNa died, I cried, but I saw it coming. With you, I balled for weeks. And even now I still have teary days over you. But I know where you are and I know you are happier now. What you were unable to deal with is now a thing of the past and we are all bringing ourselves to terms with that fact.
I love you and always will. You were/are my mom. Yes, I have a mother, but she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most, you were. And for that I am forever Thankful to God that you were in my life and loved me and my family.
This is a learning journey for us all, and for that I guess we must (in a sick twisted sort of way) thank you for that. I love you dearly and you are forever in my prayers. I know you were at my wedding and I know you are with us all everyday. Take care where're you are right now.
Love, Love
Melissa
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| posted by ~M~ @ 1/04/2006 11:09:00 AM |
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| About Me |
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Name: ~M~
Home: Orlando, Florida, United States
About Me: So you want to know about me...LOL I am a mom, I am a girl, I am also a nut case! LOL. I am a stay home mommy, which allows me to hold SEVERAL job titles. I used to say *Live for the moment* but now I live for my kids. I find it amazing how the birth of a new life can flip your world up-side-down while causing ,mass confusion. Yet, at the same time you love it love and cherish every second of it.
See my complete profile
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